My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
