i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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