I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
