Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
