I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she peed on how many people?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
