So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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