He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
