I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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