If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think your dad took our porno
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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