I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
