yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
