she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
