I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
