Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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