Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
