He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
