I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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