I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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