I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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