there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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