This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
