your parents love me but you hate me
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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