I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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