I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Watching her eat just hurts me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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