She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
