Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
