I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
