I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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