I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
