Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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