we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
