this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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