How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
