So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
