You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
