Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
