He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
