I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
