I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
