Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize