I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
