I am puke
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
