I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She told me I should be a condom model.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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