Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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