That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
