Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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