Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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