apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was confusing and full of hummus
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
