mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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