Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
