Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
