I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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