atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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