sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
