...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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