I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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