Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
