i think i have two assholes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
