You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
