You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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