Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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