can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
