the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
