We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
