I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
